the romanticist

you said that you could do things
that would make me feel better
when i told you about how mum did drugs
and dad walked out on us when i was in grade three

i was young and stupid
stupid to trust that someone like you
could help someone like me
when it was people of your kind
who brought me to the position i found myself in
singing in the middle of a bar full of drunks
so that my mother could satisfy
the monster who lived inside her 

but the monster that lived inside you was greater
for you did not know that it was a monster at all
fourteen and wanting some peace
i followed you up the stairs into your apartment
thinking whatever it was you planned to do in there
would make everything better

you promised to be gentle remember
because you wanted my young soul to grow
those were your words
when i stood on the stairs
not wanting to go in 
those were the lies you used
to rope me in 

but that is all they were
they were lies 
and i was a fool to believe them coming from you
you were eighteen and wanting 
you would have said anything to get me in there
yet it was not your fault that i fell into the trap
it was mine for pulling shades of rose over my eyes
afraid to remove them in case the truth hurt me

and as your hardened hands found their way 
around my bare and womanly body
there was no going back to the innocence i had just lost
for in that moment 
when all that was on your mind was the jerky movements
you thought would bring us to ecstasy
i realised 
that this was the beginning 
of the end of me 

someday 
she will look to the sun
and it will shine through the clouds
creating the silver lining
that she had awaited for so long

someday
she will follow that lining
to the ends of the earth and back
only to find that it was the
journey that she had longed for
regardless of its final destination

someday
she will be able to feel the grass
on the heels of her feet
and the sun 
on her already freckled face
because she doesnt care 
what anyone else thinks and wants
she is happy this way

someday
she will look to the sky
to see the moon through the darkness
as is shines onto the lake below
and she will be able
to will the sand on her back
for the first time 
letting the water wash away the sins
he indented into her bare flesh

someday
everything will be ok
yet that day is not today
or tomorrow or the day after that
for as each day passes
she loses a little more hope
in the existence 
of someday 

when the mind has found
its home within the pages
and in between the words
of the greatest narration
produced only by the most broken of souls
its retrieval becomes
the most impossible thing
it has ever come to know 

i saw love in your eyes
on a moonless night
yet it had no longer reflected in mine
for the luminescence that once existed
in the corners of your irises
had melted into the darkness
and those that mirrored them in mine
had been taken away with the stars
as without the moon
they are but lonely balls of gas
unnoticed by the naked eye
just like the love
unreciprocated 
in your eyes 

afraid to love
i sit by my window
every night
awaiting a star
to drop from the sky
and lead me
to you 

my world is engulfed by the gloom
and even when the sun comes out to play
causing the birds to chirp with excitement
its cold enough to freeze the marrow
that has been sitting still in our bones
for longer than i can remember

yet there is the memory of you
as you chased after the horizon
your signature long coat flapping about in the wind
that is when the cold realised
its home would forever be where my heart once was
for there were no warm hands to hold
after that day, countless sunsets ago

your scent still lingers on in my mind
since it decided to spread itself over all the memories
i so foolishly hold on to
for fear of losing the small moments of livelihood
i am blessed to feel at their recovery

but, darling with the life you bring now
there comes a pain so strong
it would cause the largest and the strongest of men
to crouch down on their knees, wailing in its torment
and so the cold protects me
as it freezes over all there is left of my heart and my soul

for it desensitises me of the war
that wages itself between the constant recall and the pain
as it aims to provide me with a momentary relief
from the memory of you

the sky turned gray
and the clouds swirled around
as though to form a vortex
when all i had to live for
found the door
that led him 
away

the way that your smile forms
has been undeniably carved
into the inner most grooves of my mind
for as your eyes smiled
so did my heart
on that cold winters eve
as the sun found its way beyond the horizon
and the moon bestowed upon you
his unforgettable grace

the crescents into which your eyes transform
upon the slightest satisfaction
will never be lost
in the many unlabelled memories
that reside therein
for the glimmer that found it way
to the upper corner of your irises
shone a light so powerful
into my soul
and provided it once again
with the luminescence it had so sorely missed

your unforgettable grace
will hold forever
every beat my heart 
bothers to produce
for with your smile
you revived me
and it is the very memory
of that facial gesture
that is allowing me
to hold on 

look into my eyes
and tell me 
that you are capable 
of finding beauty
amongst the frightening thoughts
that reside therein
for i need but one more moment
in this dark world i have created
oblivious to the traces of light
still existing in their slightest 
to suddenly fade away

droplets of wonder
wink at me from above
as thought to give a little giggle
and run away 
leaving behind the darkness
you created

for they are playful
they know not of the pain
that arises from a one sided love
in which i love you becomes
a cruel joke played 
by the impartial party
only interested in the material benefits
provided by a longing heart
deserving of every little 
granule of infiltrating love
that resides in a soul
harder than the steel barriers
that held together 
the greatest of structures
for eternity

they know not, dear
of you